


i can cry because it's you

by lethargies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Grocery Store, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background kuroken if you squint??, Break Up, M/M, Post-Break Up, an attempt at sad stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 22:22:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15010709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lethargies/pseuds/lethargies
Summary: It’s unfair because all Hinata has ever done was to love someone wholeheartedly, loved them with all the love he can possibly give, offered all the smiles and joy he could — and yet the world throws them back at his feet, his heart mangled and torn and he knows.





	i can cry because it's you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pinkmac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkmac/gifts).



> this is my first contribution to the fandom and i did not expect to make it this long....
> 
> a lot of the college stuff here is based on my brother's experience/own course, so if there are mistakes it's probably my fault woops!! this fic took me a while to finish bc i don't usually finish... stuff i start so i'm pretty proud of this <3 i hope y'all enjoy this, it was really fun to write :)
> 
> this is dedicated to Sab, for proofreading it and for helping me with the tiny details -- i love you and i probably wouldn't have finished this without you so thank you for sticking with me all the way.

 

To be fair, Hinata should've seen it coming.

Even before the last ball hit their court, even before he saw Kageyama sink down on his knees, even before he heard the cheers erupt from the other side of the net.

In hindsight, maybe he shouldn’t have let the mess of their relationship reach the goddamn court in the first place — and from the corner of his eye, he sees the rest of their teammates pull Kageyama back up — and he knows what they had cracked right there and then. He’s staring at them, chest heaving and he feels a bead of sweat trail down his temple. When Kageyama looks back at him, he remembers meeting him for the first time — feels the same chill down his spine when Tobio refused to set the ball for him.

Maybe, it was his fault. Maybe it was Tobio’s.  

Well, point is, he should've seen this trainwreck a few months, a few years before — breaking down and possibly crying himself to sleeping under the shining lights and on the hard, polished floor was not what he imagined heartbreak would be. Hinata tilts his head back, lets the lights blind him for a moment, and swallows the hard lump in his throat.

If it was regret, he didn’t know. Perhaps, it was bitterness, or defeat, or sadness, and hopelessness and everything in between.

He wouldn’t really know the difference, would he?

 

* * *

 

 

If he really thought about it, a lot of people warned him, warned Kageyama about what they were getting into.

Kenma was the first one who asked him about it, all frank and genuinely curious.

 

_“Shouyou, you’re my friend and I want you to be happy and everything, but are you sure you’re willing to risk it with Kageyama? Isn’t it a bit risky?”_

_“Eh, what’s the worse that can happen? I’m always going to be his partner, Kenma, it’s just going to be like that, I guess.”_

 

The team was always supportive of them — they weren’t homophobic, or any of those judgemental pricks Kageyama and Hinata would usually encounter — but they were wary of the implications and risks their relationship brought.

It was Yacchi who approached them about it, honestly speaking for the rest of the team. Karasuno’s dynamics were incredibly dependent on the two of them, and the fear was there, for the rest of their teammates. Kageyama laughed it off easy, assuring them nothing would happen to the team. _(Hinata remembers agreeing with him, calling their relationship “professional” — whatever that meant.)_

Tsukishima though, had always warned them. He was the first one to remind him, warn Kageyama whenever he notices something teetering with Shouyou and Tobio — way before their relationship became a fucking messed-up tangle of fights and burning eyes.

It was stupid, _incredibly stupid_ , to get into a relationship with your partner. Hinata knew this like the back of his hand — after all, he never ran out reminders from everyone. He was always a trusting person, in all actuality. He never took the advice of other people for granted, but rather followed them to key. Of course, he really chose not to listen to any of them when it came to Kageyama. _Of course._

But it wasn't like he didn't want his relationship with Kageyama to work out.

He did, he truly did. Hell, he loved Tobio as much as he did volleyball, loved him with every piece of his tiny body, loved him with all the fierceness he could muster, loved him the same way he loved large gymnasiums, the feel of a ball in his hands.

Hinata Shouyou is someone who puts his heart in everything he does, and loving Kageyama was no exception. He loves the same way he hits his quicks: hard and fast and with all the ferocity of a tiny boy. He loves like the sun, all bright and overwhelming and brightness and warmth.

He loved _(loves)_ Tobio, loved his little smiles and sweaty palms and low mumbles, loved the way he would tilt his head back to eye the ball, the way he would ruffle Hinata’s hair and maybe put an arm around his shoulder.

Their relationship was simply peak high school romance: soft walks with sunshine melting around the two of them, fumbling pinkies and twining fingers, holding hands and perhaps laughing too loudly in the children’s park. It was fair to say Hinata was a fucking sap for Kageyama Tobio, for all sake’s and purposes.

His heart was pretty much cut into three separate parts: volleyball, Kageyama, and everyone else in his life.

And he was happy with it. For more than a year, Shouyou was genuinely happy with Kageyama. It was bliss, to say the least — it was long afternoon walks and practicing too much and maybe kissing in the gym, making out in the equipment room, borrowing clothes, falling asleep together.

He really didn’t know where it went wrong. Hinata remembers their second year as soft kisses and back hugs and flushed cheeks, all bright smiles and boisterous laughter with the rest of the team. It was love in between hands held close, yogurt milk and carton juices exchanged during lunch breaks.

 

_It wasn’t during second year, Hinata was positive of it. It wasn’t during that year that Tobio became so distant, like a shadow of someone he used to love._

 

Maybe it was the third year stress, being captain and all that additional titles that made keeping Kageyama so near him a chore and a burden.

But Hinata tried, because that’s what he does. He tries and tries and tries and never tires of Kageyama, even when his own heart hurts from trying.

He remembers trying, the first month of their third year — bringing Tobio little cups of bubble tea, with all those pearls that he liked, leaning down to press a soft kiss on his head whenever he can. But there was a sea in between them, and if Shouyou was kinder to himself, he should've gotten a _goddamn ship_ to cross that sea, instead of rowing with a little, broken canoe and drowning himself in the mess they became.

But Hinata is no god, no martyr — he is only human, and like everyone else, he breaks. After all, even suns burn out.

The first crack was during crunch week, seniors rushing to get recommendation letters and cramming some prep tests in their heads.

 

_"Hey Tobio, do you want to come over? We can do our applications together, if you want?" Hinata says, a little desperate, more than hopeful._

_"Sorry. Can't. Really busy tonight, but good luck with that." Shouyou frowns at this, allows the words to curl around his chest painfully, but continues anyways._

_"Well, okay then. Rest well. I love you always." He whispers into his phone, cradling it to his ear. That was the first sign, and he really should've kept tally of it._

_Kageyama hums in response, but doesn't bother saying anything else. The call ends bitterly, and leaves Hinata wondering where he went wrong._

 

For once, since the moment he first met Kageyama, Hinata felt helpless with him. This was the moment, Shouyou guesses, where he finally saw everything that made him happy fall apart at the seams, in shambles, and it hurt, _it hurt_ , _it hurt_ like a goddamn bitch because he was left alone to pick up the tiny pieces.

Maybe Tobio fell out of love. He didn’t know. How could he, because even if he shouted his loudest across the ocean, he wouldn’t have been heard on the other side. That’s how it is.

It was a game of hide and seek, kind of, now that he thought about it. It was him pushing his way, fighting tooth and nail to get Kageyama’s heart again, to get back into those arms but everything he used to love seemed to hide from him. Then again, Hinata really can’t tape cracks back together, even if he wanted to.

Hinata refused to take it to the court, though — always pushing himself to talk to Kageyama beforehand, always setting things straight between the two of them. He promised the team nothing would go wrong, and he was determined to keep that with him, even if he could see Tobio slowly slipping away from him, farther away with every _“hey, we’re okay, right? Love you”_ he whispers.

It was fine. _(It had to be fine, goddamnit. Hinata had no choice but to be fine)_ Before Kageyama, before anything else — he loved volleyball. He loved running around the court, jumping in the air, scoring for the team. Above anything else, that was his first love, and everyone be damned if Hinata let one boy _(but fuck, it really had to be him)_ ruin his first dream.

That was probably one of his mistakes, he realizes now: maybe, if he bothered to reach beyond volleyball and being teammates and all that, maybe they could've talked it out. Like actual, rational, boyfriends. Probably. If Hinata realized that volleyball wasn’t the same volleyball he loved without his partner, _his setter,_ he would’ve put more effort. _(but he was so, so, so tired of loving Kageyama. His heart was tired, okay?)_

He swallows the regret anyway, blinks back the remnants of it as he hears the announcers scream out the winners of the nationals. It’s not them, obviously, and he hears the ball hitting their court echoing in his head. When his eyes meet Kageyama’s, it hurts.

It hurts because Hinata has never seen them so closed off from him, and the blue of them actually pierces him. He takes a sharp breath, and lets one tear fall.

 

Only a _single_ one.

 

* * *

 

 

After that last match, Hinata was pretty sure Kageyama was avoiding him. They weren’t talking — not entirely, perhaps, but they weren’t _talking_ the same way they usually did, and it was bothering Shouyou more than he liked to admit.

It wasn’t entirely Tobio’s fault, to be fair, because they were all _busy_. All of the seniors were — Tsukishima was busy looking for apartments and roommates in Tokyo, Yacchi was finishing up her college essays, Yamaguchi was running after teachers for letters — but they always had busy weeks. Hinata, for once, was actually trying to get his life on track: researching his courses, checking out the dorms in the university he was applying to.

Maybe he just wanted to be sure of something.  

For most part, most of the seniors skipped out on certain training days, but it wasn’t like Hinata didn’t have enough time to join the training. He always made time for volleyball, even with all the university requirements to pass.

 

_(that’s how it is when he loves something, he learns to make time for it, right?)_

 

He missed the strain in his hamstrings and jumping around and maybe even the terrible diving drills that would knock all the air from his chest. He missed seeing the first years have their first kills and his teammates and even Tsukishima.

 

 _(He misses Kageyama. He misses hitting the tosses just_ for _him and he misses Kageyama so, so, so fucking much.)_

 

But he doesn’t attend training, and he’s unsure why. He misses Tobio and his stupid smile and his stupid eyes and any traces of him. Hinata’s been stumbling his way through graduation the past few months and the empty space beside him feels bigger each passing day.

 

Did they break up? Hinata wasn't sure.

Did Kageyama hate him? He wasn't sure.

_Were they still partners? (Please say yes please say yes please)_

 

See, Hinata knows uncertainty like the back of his hand. He’s been living with the odds against him for most of his life, and he’s never had a reason to be scared of it. He’s used to welcoming the future with open arms, screaming at it to hit him with no reservations. 

But when it comes to Kageyama, why was he so fucking afraid of it?

 

He doesn’t know.

 

Hinata finds himself wandering the campus after school hours, purposely taking the longer path to avoid the volleyball gym. He sits himself in an empty stairwell, staring at the orange light coming from the windows — and he thinks. 

It’s only two weeks until graduation, and Shouyou’s resolved to at least find some closure between him and Tobio. He misses their talks, damn it, and he can’t just let three years worth of friendship crumble to dust because of a mess they got themselves into. He makes a high school bucket list of sorts, numbering them inside of his head.

 

 

  1. __Talk to Kageyama again. Fix what’s wrong, maybe finish it with a kiss. Or a make out session.__
  2. _Go to training, give some last few inspirational words to the first years. Be a senpai they can look up to!_
  3. _Walk home with Yacchi one last time, maybe buy her flowers or a small cake?_
  4. _Pull off a senior year prank. Make confetti explode on Mr. Vice Principal’s head._
  5. _Prank the team???_
  6. _Talk to Tsukishima for real. Maybe ask him about college courses?_
  7. _Find Tobio again and perhaps sleep in his bed._



 

 

When Hinata runs out of things to list, he stands up to leave. He’s been sitting there for a while and he’s about to walk down the hallway until someone calls him.

“Hey, Shouyou, can we talk first?”

Hinata freezes, and he knows Kageyama’s walking closer to him and he’s so overwhelmed and _oh, shit, maybe he can scratch off the first number in his bucket list?_

“Yeah, what’s up?” He faces him, a few steps away. He lets his voice slip into nonchalance, fingers buried deep inside his pocket to hide their trembling.

“What are we?” Kageyama asks, straight to the point, all cold and distant.

“We’re...dating. I love you and you’re my boyfriend and we’re… a thing?”

“Are we? Aren’t you tired of seeing whatever we had a year ago crash and burn? Because this isn’t working anymore, Hinata.”

The first thing he feels is bubbling, white-hot anger, spilling in between his clenched fists and pooling up in his eyes. Hinata watches Kageyama still, eyes flitting over his face, scanning for any fucking trace of regret or remorse or even _guilt_ . _(it hurts him more to see nothing)_

“It isn’t working? Or you just don’t want it to fucking work? Because let’s be honest, you’re the only one who’s not trying here, Kageyama.” Hinata bites back, face flushing red from anger.

Tobio flinches, but his tongue drips poison, “So you’re blaming this on me, Hinata? So what if I got tired of this _relationship_ or whatever you called it? Didn’t you ever think maybe you’re just tiring to deal with?”

The second thing Hinata feels is red — from shame, pain, bitterness, he wasn’t sure. He keeps his mouth shut, hearing Kageyama’s words echo in his head. For one thing, it _fucking_ hurt, and suddenly he understands all those TV dramas and heartbreak poetry.

He could almost see it in front of his eyes, his heart breaking pathetically and crumbling away. He feels his chest tighten, constrict, and he brings a hand up to claw at his collar. A sob forces its way up his throat and he’s mad at himself for it.

 

_He’s tired of you, he grew tired of you, he wanted out, this was your fault this was your fault this is your fault this is your fau—_

 

Hinata misses the way Kageyama flinches from his sob, raising a hand but deciding against it. He misses Tobio’s last attempt of reaching him, and he lets the tears fall. He tries to keep his voice steady, blurting out the words he meant to say as straight as he could — preserving any last shreds of his dignity in front of the person he once loved _(still loves)._

“You want out. I get that, Kageyama, I got that loud and clear a few months ago,” He pauses, chokes on another sob, his entire body shaking from his cries. “Where did I go wrong?”

Why was he so fucking dumb? Why is Kageyama just standing there? Why won’t he move why won’t he come over why won’t he care? Why is he the only one crying?

“Hey, Shouyou, it’s not your fault, I swear, it’s not you, just blame me, please stop crying,” Kageyama rushes out, composure breaking. He can feel his vision getting blurry but he blinks the tears back, digs his heels into the floor a little bit more.

“Miss me with that fucking bullshit! God, shut the fuck up, Tobio. Can’t you answer me properly for the last time?” Hinata all but screams at him, his chest heaving, and when he looks up his eyes are rimmed red, cheeks flushed from anger.

“You don’t get to fucking cry, Kageyama. Not until you tell me where the hell I went wrong. Am I too clingy? Am I not enough for you? Can’t you just tell me and maybe I can try to fix it an—” Hinata cuts off with a sob, knees giving way under him. He sinks down on the floor, fist into his face because he’s so fucking dumb to fall in love with Kageyama.

“Am I not worth it?” He asks, barely a whisper.

 

_He’s still in love with him._

 

Tobio doesn’t answer him, not for a while. He’s left standing there, a few steps away from Hinata, and if he was any braver he would’ve crossed that meter and took him into his arms. He would’ve cradled Hinata the same way he always did whenever Hinata cried. He would’ve apologized and said “I love you” properly — as he should have.

But Kageyama’s a fucking coward, through and through, and as he stands there, he chooses to keep his silence.

A bitter laugh cuts through the silence.

“You’re not even going to say anything?” Hinata asks, slowly getting up. He brushes his knees and stands straight, lifting his head to meet Kageyama’s eyes.

 

_It still burns, Tobio thinks, he still looks at me the same way he did in first year, in second year, a week ago. He looks at me the same way he looks at a volleyball._

 

“It’s just not working anymore, Hinata. Let’s just end it here.” He hardens his voice, turns away, refusing to let Hinata see the tears fall. 

Shouyou chuckles in response, bittersweet and sad and heartbroken.

“Okay. Hey, Kageyama."

"Yeah?"

"You know I still love you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you still love me?” Hinata asks, and there’s no hope in his voice. He just wants to know. He needs to know — because maybe it would hurt less if he hears it loud and clear.

“No, not anymore.” Kageyama walks away.

 

_(It doesn’t hurt any less)_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Kageyama Tobio changed the chat colors._

 

_Kageyama Tobio removed Hinata Shouyou’s nickname._

 

_“I’m sorry, Tobio.”_

 

**_Message Not Sent_ **

_This person isn’t receiving messages right now._

 

 

* * *

 

It was fucking bittersweet, to say the least, that they had to end up as strangers. 

Hinata remembers the two weeks fly by him like nothing — it was a blur of trying to avoid Kageyama at all costs and hiding from his teammates, which was pretty much impossible to do. He vaguely remembers Yacchi approaching him and asking him about Kageyama, sees flashes of Yamaguchi patting his back awkwardly.

He’s sleep deprived and at his worst state, and he’s missing Kageyama’s presence in his life so _goddamn bad_ , even if he wants to deny it. They don’t have their late night chats and stupid, blurry video calls and muffling laughter after a terrible joke. He’s having a _withdrawal_ , damn it, because in his three years of high school he has never been this cut off from his partner.

 

_Never._

 

It was a miracle he didn't break down during any of those days. He does, however, vividly remember watching Tobio from the corner of his eye, waiting for any sign of heartbreak or sadness or anything broken because it was fucking unfair that he was the only one suffering.

He can't be the only one suffering between the two of them.

 

_(Maybe Hinata just wanted any trace of longing or regret from Kageyama. Wanted to see him vulnerable and broken and maybe it’s the anger that’s talking but he wanted Tobio to be in fucking pain, because that’s what he deserves, right?)_

 

He busies himself with last minute preparations for graduation and moving out, talking courses and all college essentials. He misses being on the court, but with practice over he doesn’t really have any reason to visit. _(Besides, volleyball can’t be volleyball without Kageyama)._ He goes furniture shopping with a distant friend, probably a classmate from one of his chemistry classes. 

It was a good day, he thinks, because they ended up buying everything they needed to get and if Hinata bought a volleyball magnet that reminds him too much of Kageyama, no one needs to know that.

“Bye, Hinata! It was fun shopping with you,” someone waves at him, and he doesn’t look up, but waves back instead.

In the back of his head, he bitterly thinks that he'd rather have Tobio with him. It would’ve been a better day, with more goofing around than actual shopping, hiding behind pretentious pink couches and diving under showcase beds. He could’ve held Kageyama’s hand and tugged him everywhere and maybe forced him to sit down in the ridiculous Disney loveseat. _With him._

Hinata knows it’s ridiculous to pack and fix all his things this early, but when he reaches his bedroom he sits himself by his desk, tearing off the pinboard by his books.

He feels a lump building in his throat when he scans all the photos pinned to it.

 

_Kageyama smiling. The team, together at an amusement park. His first date with Tobio, a stupid photo strip taken at the arcade photo booth. Him, cuddling Tobio during their training camp at Tokyo. A polaroid of him and Kenma. Another photo of Kageyama._

 

“He’s always there, isn’t he? Always just beside me?” He whispers to himself, taking off a photo at a time. He takes the photos off one by one, shoving them into an empty drawer at the bottom of his desk. Hides them. Takes them far away from his vicinity because it fucking hurt to have those fleeting _reminders_ of what they had right in front of his face.

Out of sight, out of his goddamn mind.

Hinata stands up to move to his bed, and sees a Karasuno jacket sprawled on one of his pillows. He picks it up to throw it in the laundry and _he’s so tired_ , he just wants to sleep — until he realizes the jacket is too big to be his.

He distantly remembers throwing his own jacket into the machine a few days ago.

 

_He should’ve returned it to Kageyama days ago._

 

In Hinata’s moment of weakness, he pulls it on himself, and he’s overwhelmed by it all. It smells like Kageyama and everything he’s grown to love, fading Salonpas and that one shampoo that is so _distinctly_ Tobio. It’s warm and big and he’s drowning in the long sleeves but it feels like home, and from it all Hinata remembers traces of Kageyama’s arms — hugging him tight and he can feel tears pooling up in his eyes for the first time that day.

Hinata sinks down to his bed tugging Tobio’s jacket tighter around himself, and if he closes his eyes maybe he can imagine the last time they walked home together again.

 

 _Because at the end of every walk, Kageyama would hug him and kiss the top of his head and if Hinata smiles at him he’d get a small kiss on his lips. He’d be warm and content and_ happy.

 

But now all he has is a fucking jacket and faint hints of what he once had with Kageyama and Hinata chokes back a sob, burying his head deeper into the collar of the jacket and breathes. It still smells like Tobio and it breaks him.

It’s not the same as burying himself in Kageyama’s arms and cuddling like there’s no tomorrow but if he closes his eyes a little bit harder he can pretend it is. Hinata can pretend all is fine — and when he wakes up he will wake up to smooth skin and tight arms around his waist, caging him close to home.

He doesn’t bother muffling his sobs now — he’s letting them wrack through his body, choking him from time to time because _goddamn heartbreak hurts so much_.

It’s unfair.

It’s unfair because all Hinata has ever done was to love someone wholeheartedly, loved them with all the love he can possibly give, offered all the smiles and joy he could — and yet the world throws them back at his feet, his heart mangled and torn and he _knows._

He knows it’s his fault for loving someone too much, and he can’t excuse himself because it was his _own_ choice, but when it comes to Kageyama, can Hinata really hold back?

Shouyou loved _(loves)_ him the way he deserved to be love — strong and fierce and unyielding, and it hurts to see the ashes of it lay in front of him but Hinata doesn’t regret it, even with his own heart broken just like that. He cries himself until his lungs run dry, his eyes puffy and red and heavy.

He falls asleep, cradling himself in Kageyama’s jacket, curling up to chase memories of warmth and tucks it under his heart.

 

_Hinata loves, and loves, and loves._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kageyama didn’t know why it took him two weeks to realize how hollow he’s been, and he’s fucked because he feels the tears pooling up in his eyes in the middle of the graduation ceremony. 

It’s halfway through the program and he can see a few students dozing off, and Tobio bitterly swallows the hard lump in his throat, because even through their bored faces he can see the brimming happiness and glee of finishing high school. He should be happy, essentially, because he survived three years of draining academics and grueling training, but it doesn’t feel right to end it _here_.

It didn’t feel right to end the best _years_ of his whole life half-empty and regretting everything he said that one afternoon, but what other choice does he have? _Shut up, it was for the best. It was the only way he could have finished it._

This wasn’t how he saw his high school graduation two years back. If he was honest, all his dreams of graduation involved a certain boy, bright and bubbly by his side. He never really thought he’d have to sit through a three, four hour ceremony of nothing but his own memories of the last three years — Hinata was supposed to be by his side, damn it, they were supposed to giggle over the bald teacher drooling by the stage together.

 

_They promised to graduate together._

 

Kageyama squirms in his seat, head tilting back to stare at the fluorescent lights of the gymnasium. _Don’t cry don’t cry not here Tobio don’t cry._

If anything, it was his fault. Kageyama knows that, and Hinata throwing it back to his face was rubbing salt in his wound. He should’ve done better — he shouldn’t have let those two years waste away like nothing, and now his goddamn mistake is biting him back in the ass.

 

_“Because let’s be honest, you’re the only one who’s not trying here, Kageyama”_

 

He flinches from the memory, closing his eyes shut. Hinata wasn’t getting a single tear out of him, not today, not when Kageyama doesn’t deserve it. He’s brought this upon himself and he’s going to keep the facade up until graduation ends, until he’s alone in his own room and not stuck in a fucking room full of students.

Distantly, Tobio hears the principal call out names from his section, and the rest of them stand to line up by the side. Sounds pass by him sluggishly, like floaty words shouted underwater. He barely registers their line moving nearer and nearer the stage, until the principal calls out Hinata’s name. Kageyama feels his lungs constrict, eyes wide as he watches the tiny boy stumble on stage, beaming at the audience.

Hinata’s eyes are still bright — _heavy, yes, but still bright as ever_ — and Kageyama is still hopelessly in love. When Hinata takes his ridiculous bow with his own imitation of Nishinoya’s _Rolling Thunder_ everyone laughs, including Tobio, and his cheeks hurt from smiling so much because it’s hard to stay sad in Hinata’s company, even from a distance.

Kageyama realizes then, only three people before he steps onto the stage and officially graduates, that he never truly saw Shouyou’s presence. It was too bright, too much like staring into the sun — it hurt when you stared too much, burned when you basked in it for too long — except Hinata was all warmth and safety, brightness without getting burnt. It was a _fucking_ shame he threw this all away with a couple of wrongly said words at a terrible time, but he’s glad he got to see it one last time.

 

_Even if it wasn’t directed at him anymore, Hinata’s smile was still as beautiful as before._

 

When they return to their seats, the thrill of graduating lingers among them. Kageyama can almost feel the people in front of him thrumming with excitement and elation, and to him the atmosphere is vaguely reminiscent of his first year to Nationals — there’s still the same rush of success. But the triumph is bitter on his tongue, because unlike his first Nationals, someone’s missing by his side.

And _goddamn_ Kageyama misses him, so much.

It was one of the epiphanies he had back in his first year, even before he decided he was madly in love with his little spiker. Winning a match felt like cold tea without Hinata — that was pretty much his confession of love, because it was true. Victory was bitter without Shouyou by his side, and that never really changed, even after breaking up.

This tiny victory to himself felt empty and crass and perhaps he’s overwhelmed — not by the screams, not by happiness or satisfaction or triumph — with longing so bad it’s _almost_ tangible.

He wants Hinata by his side, he wants to hold his hand, he wants to keep him close and never let go, not again.

Kageyama’s heart hurts — there’s still a shit ton of love in there, buried in the crevices he never knew was there, and it reeks of _hinata-hinata-hinata_. He smiles, a bit sad but in love, because every thought of Hinata makes him smile — even through his worst, at his lowest point, Shouyou makes him smile.

Their ceremony ends with a riveting speech from a student, speaking of hard work and friendships and passion throughout their high school life. Tobio thinks of Hinata every other word she says. It’s a bit pathetic, especially coming from the person who wanted to end the relationship in the first place, but he can’t help it: not when Hinata’s just a few seats away from him, and all Kageyama wants to do is get down on his knees and apologize and take him back in his arms.

When the clapping ends, each section standing up with their adviser, eager to greet their teacher for the last time.

 _“Arigatou gozaimashita!”_ They all say in unison, bowing respectfully.

Everyone rushes to their respective classrooms, exchanging yearbooks, greeting each other, passing bouquets of flowers to teachers. Kageyama is a bit rattled and confused, but Yacchi’s pulling on his elbow, and when he looks back she’s holding onto Tsukishima’s wrist as well. They’re tugged outside to the courtyard, and Kageyama hears Nishinoya before he sees him.

“Kageyama-kun! Tsukishima! Yamaguchi! Yacchi-chan! Congrats!” Yuu screams at them, excitedly jumping up and down.

They all burst out laughing, fresh and bright and a bit euphoric — even Tsukki joins their laughter. The team’s pretty much complete: Sugawara, Daichi, and Asahi offering their congratulations along with gifts. Kiyoko beaming at them, Tanaka and Nishinoya surrounding them still.

They’ve grown older and wiser and more ragged, but they’re still the same old team and for the first time that day, Kageyama smiles brightly. His smile fades when he notices Sugawara looking at the four of them curiously, eyes flitting to the space beside him.

“Where’s Hinata? I thought he’d be with you, Kageyama?” Tobio flinches from the question and they don’t miss it, but he forces himself to shrug instead. It’s not their fault, but it’s a raw wound and any mention of Hinata _hurts._

Yacchi approaches Sugawara and whispers, pointing somewhere behind Kageyama. He catches bits of their conversation, hearing a few names, and he’s pieced it together when he looks back.

He sees Hinata first _(it’s always Hinata, in a crowd of thousands, he’s always going to seek out Hinata)_ and his eyes widen in realization when he notices the arm around his shoulders.

Shouyou’s talking animatedly, hands waving and there’s a light flush on his cheeks that screams _happiness_ and Kenma nods along, smiling lightly. Kageyama watches as Kenma pulls Hinata in a hug, patting the mop of orange on top of his head. Hinata beams brightly when he receives a nicely wrapped gift, and they exchange a few words before Kenma’s waving bye.

Hinata stands alone, tucking the gift under his arm before looking around the crowd of people, as if searching for something.

 

_(It hurts, kinda. Kageyama feels a hand on his shoulder, but he’s numb all over)._

 

“Hinata! Over here!” Daichi yells over the commotion. Shouyou turns to them and his face lights up when he sees their familiar figures, and Kageyama feels his face go pale, his heart constricting painfully in his chest. _God, he missed Hinata so much, so so much._

When Hinata reaches them, they all give out their congratulations, Tanaka thumping his back hard, Noya jumping on him. He laughs at their greetings and graciously takes their little trinkets and gifts. He’s thriving in the middle of the team, and Kageyama knows Hinata feels at home surrounded by the rest of the team.

But why is his heart breaking?

Tobio feels a tear, then another, fall down on his face — it’s fucking pitiful, to be honest, so he raises arm to his face and excuses himself from the group, running away before anyone had the chance to ask him where he was going. It _hurt, goddamnit,_ and it was too much for him.

It was one thing to yearn for Hinata, to want him by his side again — but it was another to watch him be happy and everything Kageyama wanted him to be, without him. It hurt, it burned — and all the warnings everyone told him rang hard in his head.

 

_Loving the sun can burn you alive._

 

He doesn’t notice Sugawara following him, and when he rests at a curb down the road, he’s surprised when someone sits down beside him.

“Talk, Kageyama.” Suga tells him, and he does.

Sugawara holds him close, and even when he falters, even when he cries — he holds him steady, unfailing, and lets Kageyama weep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Getting your own place never gets old, huh._

 

Hinata hikes his bag higher up his shoulder, digging through his pockets for his keys. He finished his workout earlier than his usual time, setting a record for his jog that afternoon. It was a pretty fine day, all good weather and surprisingly, he didn’t bomb any major exam he had. 

Standing outside, he can faintly hear some anime playing inside his apartment, and he figures Lev’s lectures dismissed earlier than scheduled. He easily opens his door and eyes his roommate, lounging on their stupid green couch, sucking on a popsicle. Lev was engrossed in the show he was watching, barely batting an eye at Hinata. _Nothing new with Lev, then._

Shouyou heads straight to his room and leaves all his shit unceremoniously on his floor, rubbing his eyes. He’s dead beat, to say the least, because doing that leg workout impulsively was probably not the best decision he made today. He drops on his bed, all sprawled out, staring at the ceiling.

The day wasn’t anything special, and on a more _normal_ day he might’ve felt a bit better — Hinata takes a quick look at his calendar. Suddenly, it sinks in, and he rolls over, groaning into his pillow. He gets these episodes, and Lev (plus his other neighbors, Kenma and Tetsurou) was pretty much used to it.

 

 _It’s so_ pathetic _, getting all emotional and sad on the same day he broke up with Kageyama._

 

It’s been months. Hell, more than half a year passed since that _afternoon_ where Hinata lost his partner, and he hasn’t moved on _(even when he likes to say he has, his fucking traitor heart knows better)._

Hinata thought moving away would solve it all — distance from Kageyama, finding new friends in university, living with Lev, meeting up with Kenma — it was a perfectly calculated plan in his head, and he should’ve moved on, in two months tops. And yet here he was, half a year later, still struggling with a slightly broken heart.

It wasn’t that his university experience was _bad_ , per se, and Hinata really appreciates everyone who’s had to see him at his worst episodes, but it wasn’t enough to heal whatever was torn apart in him that afternoon. To be fair, his past few months in university actually made him happier, in any case.

Hinata was _pleasantly_ surprised to find out Lev and Kenma studied in the same university he was going to, and easily struck up living arrangements with Lev. He avoided the dorm, as much as possible, and was excited to have an old friend as a roommate. The place they found was as perfect as it could get: near the train station, had two rooms, a bit pricey but nothing they couldn’t handle without a few jobs on the side. They were supported by their parents, of course, but it was still exhilarating to have an apartment all to themselves.

Shouyou, surprisingly, ended up taking a course he never thought he would — he was Literature major, and it fit him to boot. Him and Lev were both humanities students, with Lev taking up Linguistics. Their apartment was a mess of bad poetry and unfinished essay drafts and piles and _piles_ of readings — but that was fine, really. It made their tiny apartment _theirs_ , and he was damn proud of it.

He joined the university’s volleyball team — Hinata loved volleyball too much to leave it for so long, and playing with Kenma had been an old dream of his. _But it wasn’t the same without Kageyama by his side._

His first month on the team was nothing short of a _mess_. He could easily hit Kenma’s tosses alright, but he wasn’t in sync with him — not the way he was with Kageyama, or even Sugawara. His dynamic with the whole team was off, and subconsciously he was comparing them with his old teammates even if he didn’t want to. Their coach called him out on this several times, but it was hard not to miss Karasuno and their stupid little antics.

After a few weeks more of demanding training days and karaoke nights, Hinata slowly learned to love his new team. It was nothing like Karasuno, but there was something else about his new teammates — more dumb habits and game rituals and perhaps, he found a new family with them.

Kenma was another story completely. It was so _alien_ to play with him on the same side of the net, and having to hit his tosses was something else entirely. Kenma was still as smart as ever, and Hinata always admired him for that, but he wasn’t a genius. His tosses made Hinata miss Kageyama more than ever, and it ate at him — he was a _goddamn prick_ to compare someone who was just trying his best for him, but he couldn’t help it.

It took him a whole two months to finally fit together with Kenma and it tasted like victory in his mouth. The look in Kenma’s eyes was brilliant and fierce — and Hinata was quite in love with his tosses. Playing with Kozume was always a _pleasure_ : it was flying with the winds against his wings but knowing he will pull through. Hinata grew to love his tosses.

It was nothing like Kageyama’s genius, falling toss, but whenever Kenma tossed to him he was a writer in the air. He knew, at the very tips of his fingertips and on the broad side of his palm, how he was going to write the story of each spike. He knew what to write with every toss, and it was pure satisfaction hitting them. There was a different kind of power with Kenma’s tosses, and Hinata _relished_ in it.

They grew close easily, because there’s a trust and bond between a setter and a spiker that goes beyond _friendship_ , and Hinata’s damn glad he found that bond with Kenma.

There was something comforting with having a team behind your back, and having friends from his different classes meant he was never really alone for the past few months. _But he was lonely, damn it._

 

It was Kenma and Kuroo that first saw Hinata snap.

They weren’t expecting it, to be fair, because it was supposed to be a normal movie night — marathoning horror movies and a few romcoms in between. Hinata was tucked neatly in their plush loveseat, while Kenma and Kuroo were happily sprawled together on their sofa. Lev was out that night, finishing some kind of report on French grammar and colloquial tenses.

Hinata was easily drifting in and out of sleep — he had seen the movie before, anyways, during a sleepover with the Karasuno team during his first year. It was the first time he held hands with Kageyama, and he remembers forcing himself to keep his eyes open during the jump scares, because he wasn’t about to lose the bet he made with Kageyama.

 

_With Kageyama. He wonders if Kageyama thinks of him like this, remembers fleeting memories during movie marathons and dinner and karaoke nights._

 

Shouyou doesn’t remember crying, doesn’t feel the tears down his cheeks until he’s gasping for air, hands scratching at his throat and he’s choking on his sobs. Kenma notices him first and rushes to his side, calmly pulling Hinata down from the chair to the floor, holding him close to his chest. 

“Easy, easy there, Shou. In and out, in and out, slow and easy,” Kenma whispers to him, strokes his back with a controlled arm, brushing the hair out of Hinata’s face. On the sofa, Kuroo’s bewildered, but heads to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

“Deep breaths, it’s okay, we’re here, Shou. I’m here.”

Hinata’s still crying when Kuroo gets back, but his sobs are slowly quieting down as Kenma rocks him gently, his hands running through the mop of orange hair. Kozume’s done a pretty good job of calming Hinata in a few minutes, and Kuroo hands over the glass of water when Shouyou’s barely hiccuping.

When Hinata finishes the glass of water, they get back into the movie, but Kenma settles beside him in the small loveseat. The air’s tenser now, and even in the darkness Hinata knows Kuroo’s looking at him expectantly.

“I’m sorry,” he starts off, and Kenma lowers the volume of the movie.

“I didn’t expect to just... break down like that…” he trails off, twiddling with his fingers. Both Kenma and Kuroo stay silent, letting Hinata collect his thoughts together.

“I don’t know if both of you noticed but… Kageyama and I broke up with each other a few months ago, three, four months back, I think...” he breathes sharply, “And watching this fucking horror film, of all the movies, just kinda… reminded me of him…”

“It’s pathetic, I know, but I still miss him, you know?” He continues, staring off at the TV across him.

“It’s not that easy to let go of three years worth of… memories… and it didn’t end nicely… a part of me wants him back, and I just miss being by his side…”

Kuroo stares at him, somewhat sympathetically, because he knows he’d be that messed up if he broke up with Kenma. He knows what it means to be in love. The three of them stay in silence for a while, for a few minutes, until Kenma speaks up.

“Shou… have you actually tried talking to him again?” He asks, casually, and for a split second Kuroo wanted to crack open his head, but he continues.

“Like you said, it’s been a couple of months since both of you broke up, don’t you want to at least talk again?”

“It’s not that easy, Kenma,” Kuroo hisses at him, “it’s not that easy to just hit up your ex with a hello when you’re still in love with him, right?”

Kuroo directs the question easily to Hinata, and it’s his biggest fear laid out right in front of him.

 

_Being in love with Kageyama, even after four fucking months._

 

“Yeah, Testu. It’s not that easy,” he stands up, taking his fuzzy blanket from the floor. Kuroo doesn’t try to stop him, but he sends him a look of concern.

“I’m going back to my apartment, check on Lev and everything. Thank you for inviting me tonight.” Hinata says quietly, Kenma standing up to see him on his way out.

“If it makes you feel better, Shou, I think Kageyama feels the same way.”

That night was also the first night he took out Kageyama’s jacket from his drawer again.

When he got back, Hinata locked himself in his room — digging deep in his bottom drawer for the black jacket, too big for him. It doesn’t smell like Kageyama anymore — it reeks of his own detergent, his own sheets, but it still makes him cry.

That was the first time he wore Kageyama’s jacket to sleep.

 

This time, he’s tempted to take it out of his closet again, and maybe sulk in his room until Lev calls him for dinner, but the better half of him just wants to get drunk. It’s a Friday, after all, and their trainings start a little later during weekends.

“Shou!! I’m getting pizza for dinner! There’s no food in the fridge or the pantry,” Lev calls out from the living room, and Hinata shoots up from his bed like a bullet.

He leaves his room and stomps in front of the TV, blocking whatever Lev’s watching.

“What do you mean there’s no food in the fridge? It’s your turn to get groceries for this week!” Hinata glares at Lev, and the way his eyes widened in realization was a tell-tale sign.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry Shou, oh my god, I completely forgot, I thought it was your turn this week! I’m so sorry I promise I’ll get them tomorrow I was so busy this week and our prof was ruthless with the presentations I’m so sorry,” Lev babbles, rising up from the sofa to go after Hinata.

Hinata sighs, resigned to get the groceries again, but there’s a small smile on his face. He doesn’t really mind buying the groceries for this week — he needs the distraction, anyways. He grabs the hoodie lying on the table _._

“I want the meat lovers pizza, and you’re cleaning the dishes for the next two weeks.”

Lev beams at him in response, picking up his phone to call delivery. Hinata slips on the hoodie and gets the keys thrown at him, heading out to the nearest supermarket. It wasn’t like grocery shopping was a big thing, right?

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was, after all, a big thing.

The game plan was easy: healthy stuff, proteins, dairy, a shit ton of junk food, and some drinks. That’s the usual get-go at groceries — fast and simple. 

He passes by the vegetables first, gets all the healthy stuff, and picks up some white rice. He’s supposed to get some chicken breasts and pork strips to cook for the rest of the week, and a few eggs. At the dairy section of the store, he dumps ungodly amounts of yogurt in the cart, some butter, and grabs a huge carton of milk. He’s pretty much done with grocery shopping when he fills half of the cart with bags of chips and some instant noodles — until he realizes he wants to get drunk tonight, fucking wasted.

He wheels the cart to the other end of the store, right to the alcohol section. Hinata throws in a few cans of soda first, then grabs the five liter bottle of Shochu. He gives himself a few seconds to think about beer, before throwing any sense of self-restraint out of the window and heads to the cans of beer at the opposite end of the chiller.

And stops.

There’s someone standing there, back turned to him, and Hinata can feel his knees going weak — because he knows that back, knows all the slopes and dips even without touching them.

Hinata can’t help but stare, watching Kageyama pick up a few cans of beer and laugh at whoever he’s talking to on the phone. Hinata knows he’s being a very pathetic, heartbroken man watching his ex, but he’s going to indulge in this — it’s been so long since he last saw Tobio, and he reels from it.

Until Kageyama turns around and _oh my fucking god, Hinata, just leave just leave you don’t need beer anyways you have to go —_

He can’t move his feet, and he’s still staring at Kageyama — meets his eyes full on, sees the way those blue eyes widen in shock, and Hinata freezes. They stare at each other like that, two, three meters apart and the distance is both too far and overwhelming. They’re both cowards, afraid to take the first goddamn step to each other since that afternoon.

Kageyama’s less of a coward than him, though — he takes the first step, and Hinata tightens his grip on his cart, steels himself and grounds his feet to the floor. He can feel his heart beating louder and louder with every step Kageyama takes, until he’s merely a few feet away, and Shouyou’s positive that if he listens closer he might hear Tobio’s breaths.

“Hey, Hinata.”

It’s a small, feeble greeting, soft and nearly inaudible but Shouyou catches it, his breath hitching in his throat. He looks down at his hands — they’re shaking, and he clenches them into even tighter fists around the handle of the cart.

“Kageyama.”

The name slips easily off his tongue, and Hinata’s taken aback. It’s the first time he’d said his name out loud in months, and it surprises him how smoothly it rolls off, as if he never shut Kageyama’s name out of his life in half a year.

His name was always Hinata’s favorite thing to say. He’d yell his name out for a toss, scream his name whenever he fucks up, moan it in bed. It was four syllables, fluid in his mouth, and for the first time in months it doesn’t taste bitter to say it.

“The weather’s pretty bad, don’t you think?” It’s Kageyama’s pathetic attempt at small talk, and Hinata has to muffle a laugh. He appreciates the sentiment and effort behind it, easily replying.

“By pretty bad, you mean perfect spring weather and blooming trees, then yeah, I guess.”

Kageyama flushes, and this time, Hinata laughs lightly.

“So hey, how have you been?” Shouyou asks, relaxing into his cart. He pushes forward and Tobio follows smoothly, walking beside him. He still wants his beer.

“All good, the scholarship’s well and nice… how about you?” The conversation is still awkward, and Hinata knows they’re both tip-toeing around each other, trodding lightly on unspoken lines, but it’s fine.

“Same, actually… I ended up in the same university as Kenma, Lev, a bunch of the other Nekoma students…” Hinata trails off, grabbing a few cans of beer and throws them into his cart.

“Are you on volleyball scholarship or something?” Kageyama asks. It's an unspoken taunt, _were you good enough to get in? through volleyball?_   and he inwardly flinches at his question because that’s second base, fourth date kind of thing.

Not, first time seeing your ex after half a year kind of question.

To his surprise, Hinata laughs, shaking his head. “Nope, my parents support the tuition. I’m on fin-aid, but I’m working a job to support myself too. It’s not very cheap living here, you know.”

This time, Tobio nods understandingly — this is common ground, and Hinata’s glad to have found it, because the tension between them eases. They’re both comfortable with this, college life and basic necessities.

“But you still play volleyball, though?”

“Of course I do! Can’t give up it for so long — besides, our team’s great. I miss Karasuno, but my new team’s another, family, kind of.” Hinata replies, a bit wistfully, “ How’s volleyball for you?”

Kageyama goes quiet at his question, and it’s a bit awkward — volleyball is a sacred topic between the two of them, and the way they’re treading lightly with it pretty much proves it.

“I have great teammates,” and he leaves it at that. Hinata curiously eyes him, but doesn’t say anything.

It feels kind of nice, if he thinks about it. It’s not as violent or as tense as he imagined their first meeting would be, he expected more crying and shouting — the air around Kageyama is both alien and familiar, and Hinata doesn’t know the person beside him anymore.

A bit bittersweet, and in the back of his head he wonders if Kageyama moved on already, found a new, _better_ partner. The thought of it hurts.

Kageyama breaks the silence first, “Look, Shouyou, I’m really so—”

“Tobio, hey, drop the beer here.” Someone cuts him off, and Kageyama glares at the person beside him. Atsumu easily slings an arm around Kageyama, reaching around him to pluck the cans out of his arms.

“Oh, Shouyou! You study around here too?” Hinata’s taken aback, and he’s confused, because how did Miya Atsumu get into the equation, again?

Kageyama sighs, pushing Atsumu away from him, gesturing, “This is my roommate, Atsumu, and he’s a dumb idiot.”

Atsumu glances once at Kageyama, and there’s a small blush on his cheeks, a trace of a smile, and he smiles at Hinata. He even waves at him, eyes bright and happy.

Hinata forces a smile on his face, the bright one _(or at least he hopes it’s the wide, bright smile)_ and waves back. “Hi! Yeah, a few stations away.”

Atsumu hums in response, going closer to the chiller. He grabs two bottles of mule and places them in their cart.

“That’s nice! What course are you taking?” He’s trying to keep the small talk going, Hinata knows that, but he can’t help look at Kageyama — and _it hurts_.

“I’m a Lit major,” Hinata replies casually, hurriedly reaching for some cans of beer because he just wants to get out. _It hurts_.

“I’m going now, my roommate’s probably waiting for me. It was nice bumping into both of you.” He rushes out, bowing slightly. He turns away without looking at Kageyama, walking into the opposite direction. He doesn’t want to see the two of them.

He doesn’t wait for Kageyama to say anything, doesn’t wait for an explanation, or a good-bye. Even if he wanted Tobio to run after him and maybe tell him it’s not what it looked like, to catch him from behind and explain everything, he walked.

Kageyama wouldn’t go after him, anyway.

 

_They look so fucking good together, damn it._

 

Maybe Hinata’s just fucking bitter, but there was something in the way Kageyama looked at Atsumu that made his heart clench painfully. He looked so happy, damn it, and Hinata can’t deny that there was a little, tiny part of him that hoped maybe — maybe Kageyama still loved him.

He’s a selfish, selfish prick. He still wants Kageyama all to himself, wants to hold his hand and call him his and kiss him randomly and bring him to dates. He wants all this, even after six months — wants to be part of Tobio’s life, wants to be everything he could be for Kageyama.

Seeing him with someone else, though, that’s a different story altogether. It was a punch to the face, a kick in his stomach, and it burned inside his throat. It was one thing to imagine being together with Kageyama again, older and better — but this fucking grocery trip was a slap in the face, and it hurt, _hurt_ , because he still misses Tobio.

He’s only man, and he’s selfish, and he wants to be happy again.

 

_But at least one of them was happy, right? At least Kageyama’s happy._

 

God, Hinata just wants to get drunk already.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Oh, shit, that serve was too hard._

 

Kageyama’s eyes widens as the ball flies past Yaku, barely hitting the white line. He hit that ball too hard, and he’s wincing when he hears the libero yelling at him.

“The fuck, Tobio, what you so mad for?” Yaku rolls over, gently holding the ankle he nearly sprained trying to catch Kageyama’s serve.

He knows he’s frustrated, hell, even angry — it’s all bottled up inside of him, and he’s taking it out on volleyball. His serves have been more powerful, more intense — his jumps are harder, his hand firmer, and he’s channeling all the messed up emotions into each of his serve.

“Don’t mind him, Yaku-chan. He’s just prissy because he bumped into his ex, right, Tobio?” Atsumu sing-songs from the bench, tossing a ball up and down casually. Kageyama glares at him, tempted to fucking hit the ball right to his face. Miya glances back at him, almost tauntingly.

“You met Hinata? When?” Yacchi pipes up from the side, looking up from her clipboard.

He sighs, “A few weeks ago, at the grocery store.” Kageyama sets down the volleyball, twiddling his fingers. He’s restless, damn it, been restless since the past week he saw Hinata.

“What happened? Are you guys all okay now?”

Huh, funny. There was a goddamn _sea_ in between them, and Tobio’s pretty sure he burned down all the bridges between them in past six months. Shouyou’s so _distant_ — he barely recognized the person he bumped into at the supermarket.

But _damn,_ he looked fine. Hinata looked good — better than the last time Kageyama saw him, anyway. There was a glow in his cheeks, his eyes tired, but definitely brighter. Tobio’s convinced the last six months had been good on Hinata, and seeing him up close was proof of that.

Kageyama could only shake his head in response to Yacchi, tossing the ball into the cart. He walks over to the bench, grabs a water bottle, and sits down. Everyone else was finishing up with practice, and he just wants to fucking _wallow_ in self-pity for the rest of the evening. It wasn’t likely he’d see Hinata again — it was probably by chance that they bumped into each other, and it would be best to keep it that way — but the longing was still there.

He still wanted to play with Hinata, toss for him, be his partner. It wasn’t about simply _missing_ him — he wanted to do their ridiculous quicks again, even if only for one more time. To be fair, Kageyama worked easily with his new spikers: they weren’t Shouyou, but they were good, some even brilliant.

Seeing Hinata was a whole different story. His yearning to play with Hinata again never really went away — Kageyama just learned to ignore it. _Out of sight, out of mind, right?_

He doesn’t notice it when his roommate slips down beside him.

Atsumu meets his gaze, reaching to drink from his own water bottle. “Say, Kageyama, what do you want to do tonight?"

Tobio knows what Miya means by his question, and he can’t find it in himself to be angry — it’s not the first time he fucked his way out of commitment and his emotional constipation — but it still stings his pride.

A month ago, maybe he would’ve accepted. Hell, he probably would’ve dragged Atsumu into one of the stalls and sucked him off until there were tears in his eyes, but the memory of Hinata is fresh in his mind.

“I have to finish an essay, asshole. Maybe next time,” he mumbles instead, looking away from Atsumu. It’s a pathetic excuse — essays and reports usually didn’t stop him from fucking on his desk — but there’s a split second hesitation in his mind, and for once he chooses to do better.

Atsumu hums in response, slinging his bag on his shoulder. “Well, we should head back now, don’t you think? I want to get home before it’s too cold outside.”

Kageyama follows him, thanking the rest of the team and their coach for the practice. He slips on their jacket, huffing when they step out. It’s a chilly afternoon, and the weather’s about to get colder soon. The two of them walk in silence for a while, keys twirling in his fingers.

Sunsets in Tokyo are different from the ones in Miyagi. It’s not as bright, but the colors are different — it’s pink and orange all together, sometimes barely purple, blue, dark red. The sunsets he used to share with Hinata — they were warmer, for some reason. The orange was heavier, covered them like snow, and if he stares at the sky he can still see the light framing Hinata’s eyes.

 

_He misses walking Hinata home._

 

Staring at the ground isn’t any better — asphalt doesn’t really appear different in any other city, and he remembers too many memories of tripping on hard concrete trying to catch up with Hinata. It’s biking up the mountain together, jogging hard, bruising knees on the road. Kageyama chooses to stare ahead, lets his eyes linger over small restaurants and students biking.

“You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?”

Kageyama stops walking, eyes wide. Atsumu looks back at him expectantly, and there’s something in his eyes that makes Tobio swallow his pride. Atsumu just grabbed his biggest fear and spit it out right in front of him, all cold.

“Why’re you interested?” He snaps back. _And still, Kageyama runs away — even after backed into a corner._

“Hm, I’m not.” Atsumu answers quietly, still watching him, “but you’re different now, after seeing Hinata. You’re not one to turn down a good fuck, so what changed?”

“You’re really saying you’re a good fuck?” Kageyama quips, walking slowly.

“Your words, not mine,” he laughs, “but seriously Kags, you are, aren’t you?”

Tobio doesn’t answer. Perhaps his plan of finding another relationship in college wasn’t working out very well — but to be frank, he knew it from the start.

It started with Atsumu, and should’ve ended there. It was supposed to be a quick fuck, just to cap off his first frat party in university, but he was a fucking coward, and Miya had been great in bed. The fact that they were roommates made it easier for him, and when he closes his eyes it’s easy to pretend that he’s fucking someone else.

Sleeping around probably wasn’t his best idea — it wasn’t really the best plan of moving on, but he did it anyways: with his blockmates, those boys in his statistics class. He had a type: tall, and preferably with dark hair. Everything that didn’t remind him of Hinata was his type.

Everyone knows how it goes, though — one night stands meant no strings attached, no feelings involved, and even if his dick is happy, it wasn’t what Kageyama wanted.

He was a big, fucking, dick. Man, he could win the _number one prick in the world_ award without any effort at all.

Tobio wanted soft evenings, cuddling on the couch and maybe binge-watching that popular Korean drama. He wanted early morning dates, breakfast at the nearest store, walking home together. He was a fucking sap, damn it, and one night stands don’t mean a thing to what he really wanted.

It was hard to give up a taste of happiness once you’ve had it, and his stupid ass really had to let it go.

He still dreams of an orange-haired boy beside him, holding his hand, taking him out for milk tea and frozen yogurt. So, yes — maybe Kageyama’s still half in love with Hinata, half in love with the memories left of him. It hurts to admit it, and even the thought of it stings.

It takes him a while to answer Atsumu, and they’re near the station when he speaks.

“Maybe.”

Kageyama looks up. The buildings are slowly lighting up, and it’s not dark. It’s never dark in Tokyo, but the stars from Miyagi still burn brighter. Beside him, Miya hums lowly.

“It’s hard to stay in love when you’ve been apart for half a year, you know?” It’s the bitter truth, and that’s that. It was no use making it lighter — the Hinata he fell in love with before was not the same Hinata back at the grocery store, and it’s hard say he loved someone he didn’t even know anymore.

“Are you going to do anything?”

“No."

Atsumu whistles, “Well then, you’re hopeless. Kageyama Tobio’s unhappy, disappointing love life. Damn, that’s something.”

“What, is it funnier now?” _Maybe if it was just a joke, it wouldn’t feel as bad, right?_

“Not really, just sadder. You can do better, you know. But eh, do what you do. Can you drop by a store and get some letter paper? We’ve run out at the dorm.” Atsumu easily drops the topic, and for once, Kageyama’s thankful for his roommate’s five inch emotional depth.

“Can’t you do it? I’m dead beat, bro.” He’s tired, and honestly, all he wants right now is to stand under a hot, steamy shower.

“I would, but I have an online call with my group mates in uh, say — 15 minutes, give or take. Gotta get ready and all.”

Tobio glares at him, but catches the wallet Atsumu throws. “Should I get anything else? Pick up pizza?”

Miya smiles at him, and waves him off, “Get anything you want. I’ll make something at the dorm, so it’s fine.”

Kageyama’s surprised, because it’s rare for Atsumu to volunteer to do anything — _much less cook —_ but he’s not one to turn down a peace offering.

Living with someone changes people, and truth be told, Tobio’s grateful he has Atsumu to pull him out of _this_ fucking ditch he was in. It’s all about getting there, and for Kageyama, there’s no Hinata by his side — but there’s someone else beside him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When he walks in, the convenience store is thankfully empty. As far as he can see, the only person in the store is the cashier, hunched over some papers by the counter.

Kageyama grabs a small cart from the door, heading straight to the paper supplies. He places the ream of paper, then turns to the next aisle.

 

_Huh, butter chips, flaming hot Cheetos, lots of cookies, definitely that huge tub of gummy bears, some popcorn, marshmallows, more chips, another bag of pretzels._

 

Kageyama loads up the cart with a shit-pile of junk food, enough to feed a _fucking_ army, breakfast-lunch-dinner and all that. He reaches for the large pack of instant noodles, the spicy ones that come in nines, the half-dozen chicken flavored ramen and places both in the cart. _God, the things he does just to survive crunch week._

There’s probably enough sodium in his cart to kill a small horse, but fuck that — Kageyama adds a few cans of energy drinks, some soda. If he’s going to die during Hell Week, he might as well go down stuffed with chips and sugar. He places three huge packs of instant coffee, and he shouldn’t really buy _everything_ , but exam week is literally just around the corner, and Atsumu’s probably going to eat half of it, anyways.

When he lines up his cart by the counter, the cashier snorts at him, “Bro, you going into hiding or camping for a month?”

“No, but it’s almost crunch, so,” Kageyama retorts, surprised when he looks up and sees Hinata across him. Shouyou’s scanning the huge packs of chips and instant noodles, laughing at Kageyama’s response — but he hasn’t looked up from the junk food piled at his counter.

“Okay, that’s understandable, but are you planning on eating all of this?” Hinata finishes scanning the items, flushing lightly when he sees Tobio. If he’s surprised, he’s done a pretty good job of hiding it, because there’s not much to give it away except for the red tinting his cheeks.

Kageyama shoves his hands into his pockets after passing the bills to Hinata, and even tucked away, he can feel himself shaking.

 

_His ex is literally in front of him and he doesn’t know what to say, should he start small talk or maybe he should just smile and stop being a wimp an—_

 

“No! No, uh, most of it around half, maybe, it’s not for me — it’s kinda for Atsu and I’m not going to eat it all of course,” He babbles, his mouth going off without a filter. He’s clumsy and unreserved and _open_ every time he’s with Hinata, and he faintly realizes he’s still comfortable around the orange-haired boy even after half a year.

Hinata laughs, and his embarrassment is so _fucking_ worth it.

It’s the prettiest sound he’s ever heard — and he sounds whipped, because maybe he still is — but Hinata’s laughter is both warm and soft, loud and everything Kageyama wants to hear, again and again and _again._ He doesn’t notice himself smiling, but he can’t help himself, because Hinata has that kind of laugh that lights up the whole room, including everyone in it.

“I bet instant ramen's the only thing you know how to make, huh, Kageyama?” Shouyou tells him when he finishes laughing, but there’s still a crinkle in his eye that makes Tobio’s heart clench in so many different ways.

“I can make scrambled eggs,” he offers, and when Hinata laughs he can feel heat warming his cheeks. Kageyama remembers _this_ too much like yesterday, flirting in Ukai-san’s store, blushing whenever Hinata reaches for his hand — and _goddamn_ he wants to reach out and hold that small hand on the counter.

He’s about to leave when Hinata asks, “How have you been, Kags?”

It’s a casual question, really, but the way Shouyou threw the question keeps him rooted on the spot, and when he turns back Hinata’s offering a seat from the opposite side of the counter. Kageyama decides to be stupid one in a while, and sits down across Hinata. There’s more than a foot between them, but the proximity makes Tobio’s head spin just a little bit.

“Fine, really. Uni, well, it’s a new experience, but obviously it’s harder than high school,” He’s honest with Hinata, because he really can’t be anything else with him. It’s hard to hide anything from Shouyou, and Kageyama doesn’t bother lying to him.

Hinata has always been a good listener — it surprised him, because at first glance, Hinata didn’t seem to be one, but he always knew the best time to shut up and when to offer encouraging comments. The way he moved was always so _comforting_ — he knew when to lean forward, when to move a bit, when to laugh, and everything in between. It wasn’t any different now, Kageyama realizes, when Hinata leans in to encourage him to continue.

“I miss the team, and volleyball’s a bit different now. There’s more riding on it, and being dependent on it for my scholarship, well, it’s stressful…” Kageyama trails off, unsure, and for a few moments reality feels like it’s altered in the dingy convenience store.

“But you’re still playing, aren’t you?” There’s a bluntness in Hinata’s statement that it doesn’t come off as a question, and Kageyama can only nod at him. Shouyou’s twirling his pen, eyebrows crunched together in concentration, and it looks like he’s thinking about something smart to say. Kageyama doesn’t hold his breath.

“Yeah, but it’s not the same as playing with you.” He says, because he has no _fucking_ filter when it comes to his emotions and Hinata. He wants to take it back, to keep those words stuffed inside his chest, never to come out — but he feels lighter, and doesn’t feel regret even if he wants to.

Hinata doesn’t answer him, but the pen in between his fingers stop. When Kageyama looks at him, there’s something heavy in his eyes, cloudy for just a moment, and then it clears up.

“Huh, well, that’s probably because I’m the only Shouyou there is,” Kageyama has to smile at his words and Hinata sounds so proud, he wants to melt into a puddle right then and there.

“Hey, Kageyama, how’d you end up with Atsumu as your roommate? Isn’t he a year older than you?” Hinata asks, easily changing the topic, and Kageyama’s grateful because the heavy air between them dissipates.

Volleyball’s a heavy topic between them, their past too big a burden to talk about.

“Oh, we were assigned together. He’s also on volleyball scholarship, so the school just pairs up whoever from the same program. He would’ve been with Osamu, but the other twin’s far in Osaka, for a different program,” Kageyama explains, scratching the back of head lightly.

Hinata lights up in understanding, nodding along with everything Kageyama’s saying. He listens well, eagerly leaning forward with every story Tobio shares. No one else enters the store during Hinata’s shift, so Kageyama lets go, and _talks._

“— so, the team left Noya-san in the Karaoke booth because he was too drunk, and literally the next morning he spammed our group chat with videos of him singing a terrible rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody.” Hinata’s pretty much howling at this point, wheezing over the counter.

A noise from the back makes Hinata stop laughing, but there’s still a flush on his cheeks that makes Kageyama smile.

“Kageyama, I got a question,” Shouyou starts, facing the other way as he unties the apron around his waist. Tobio hums in response, picking up his plastic bags. When he turns around, there’s a different expression in his face, eyes different.

“Do you ever wish we worked it out?” He whispers the question, as if afraid to let it out.

He sits down across him, fingers sprawled open on the counter, and Kageyama wants to hold his hand. He reaches out, brushes his pinky lightly, and flinches when Shouyou recoils.

Kageyama meets his eyes, searching for something, and it scares him when he realizes he can’t read Hinata anymore. He expected it, honestly.

Six months apart can change a person entirely, but looking into Hinata’s eyes — swimming in them, even — and finding nothing is disturbing. He used to know every flicker in those brown eyes: knows when Hinata’s about to fall apart, knows the way they would shine whenever he’s ridiculously happy over meat buns. He knew those eyes like his own damn home, and seeing them now doesn’t feel like a homecoming.

He feels like a stranger, and it’s like a sucker punch to his jaw. It hurts, unbelievably so, becoming a stranger to someone he used to know like the back of his hand. He hoped, really, that maybe seeing Hinata again would feel like warmth, hugging back an old friend. But all he has right now is a cold, tall wall — and the distance feels farther now, even with only a fucking foot in between the two of them.

For a while, Kageyama doesn’t reply. He takes his time watching Hinata, and ends up disappointed when he doesn’t find the little ticks and bits he used to know.

“Always,” he says, straight and solid. Hinata’s eyes remain unchanging — there’s still a brightness in them, a shine, but Kageyama can’t find himself in it _(not anymore)._

“It was nice talking to you again, Shou,” he whispers, and looking up one last time to wave a good bye. Hinata waves back.

He turns, and then leaves.

 

_(It doesn’t hurt any less)._

 

* * *

 

 

Surprisingly, Kageyama sees him again, but in barely-there glimpses.

He catches flashes of orange hair in the library, sometimes in the park when he goes running. Recently, he’s been seeing Hinata right from the corner of his eye — he doesn’t see him for more than a moment, fleeting away right outside of his peripheral vision — but he’s there. Kageyama wonders if Hinata has always been there, around the edges, staying out of reach. _Maybe he’s been blind to it all?_

It’s pathetic, really, because when he sees Hinata in that one milk tea shop, he can’t help but _hope_ maybe Hinata wants to meet halfway too.

In his mind he has imagined a total of thirty-seven different scenarios of bumping into Hinata and actually talking to him, but he’s a big-time coward. Kageyama doesn’t have enough guts to greet him when he sees him from the other end of the stationery store, and chooses to busy himself with the animal washi tapes and dog stickers.

He sees him again in that one bookstore near the train station, carrying what seems to be a stack of photocopied readings, hastily bind with a hideous blue cover. Kageyama’s staring, but he can’t help it — not when Hinata’s smiling like the sun and the golden-hour-hues are painting him _gold_. He buries his nose into the thick biology book he’s holding when Hinata looks back, and Kageyama’s certain that if Hinata didn’t catch him watching, his red-tip ears are give away enough.

It has become a lifestyle change, or a new habit of his to look for Hinata in the tiny crevices he can see. It’s almost like a _Where’s Waldo_ game, except Tokyo’s a big, big city and it takes everything in Kageyama to spot tiny flashes of orange hair and bright smiles.

In a span of a month, Hinata’s crawled back into his life — not in the same way Kageyama wanted, but he’s there, all right.

Kageyama visits the convenience store on the nights he knows Hinata’s manning the cashier — buying hazelnut coffee, preparing a small greeting as he pays. During these times, he gets more than a tiny glimpse of Shouyou: he keeps these minutes sacred, clutched tightly against his chest.

 

_“Hey, Tobio, you’re back! Pulling another all nighter?”_

 

_“No, but I need to finish a report tonight,”_

 

_“Ah, well, good luck with that! Wishing you the best!”_

 

He meets Hinata with these half-baked conversations, pushing aside old jokes for normal, mundane greetings. He’s fine with it, honestly, even thankful — Hinata’s nearer than ever, and Kageyama has learned not to take tiny moments like this for granted. _Never again._  

It’s a good set-up, in all actuality: he gets to see Hinata more often, and catching him from the edges is better than not seeing him at all. He gets used to it, more than he liked, but everything changed the moment he went off his normal jogging route.

It’s not that he got lost — he never gets lost, and the Google Maps app on his phone speaks for itself, but he turns down one street further than he was supposed to, and he figures he might as well run for another mile.

He’s pretty familiar with the buildings, but not as comfortable as he was on his usual route. The area’s not that difficult to navigate, really — it has the usual grid pattern most residential areas have, and Kageyama knows the important stores and shops around to keep him grounded.

He pulls out his phone to check Google Maps, relieved to find that he’s just a few streets away from the convenience store. Kageyama runs slowly, tapping away his phone to change his playlist. He’s about to cross a street corner when someone crashes into his chest, hard and fast — and he’s tumbling down the concrete, his phone flying out of his hands.

He feels someone stumble under him, flailing around before grasping onto his arms. Kageyama braces himself on his palms, skin tearing off under the concrete. His eyes are shut close, clenched tighter at the sting on his knees.

Kageyama jumps back faster than light when he sees Hinata under him, still gasping. Hinata’s blushing, scratching at the back of his head. Aside from the scrape on his elbow, he seems uninjured and fine.

“I’m sorry I bumped into you, I was running too fast, I think,” Hinata apologizes, standing up and brushing his knees off. He offers a hand to Kageyama, and helps him stand up.

Kageyama shakes his head, “No, it was my fault. I was too busy with my phone to see anyone else.” He looks over Hinata, once, _twice,_ and flushes when Hinata coughs.

“I’m not checking you out or anything, I’m sorr--” Kageyama stammers, cut off by Hinata’s laugh.

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I think your biceps are pretty nice.” Hinata offers, a small blush on his cheeks, continuing, “Where you headed to?”

“Oh, I went off my usual route… I’m going to the convenience store, actually,” Kageyama explains, picking up his (thankfully, not broken) phone from the ground and pocketing it. When he looks up, Shouyou’s beaming at him.

“So that’s why I’ve never seen you around here before! This is my usual route, and I end it at the convenience store, too,” Hinata says, hands flailing to explain, “You don’t mind if I join you, ri-- Hey!”

Kageyama sprints off before he finishes, laughing as Hinata runs after his heels. It’s ridiculous, because Hinata’s screaming about fair starts and cheating behind him and he’s the happiest he’s been in a while. There’s a huge smile plastered on his face, and something from Hinata’s laughter tells him the smile will stay for a while.

Racing with Hinata is a _fucking_ thrill, as per usual. Hinata doesn’t half-ass anything, and gives his hundred and twenty percent even during a short sprint to the convenience store. Kageyama’s knees are aching and his thighs are shaking when they reach the door of the store, but he’s triumphant because he got there five seconds before Hinata.

“It’s my win this time, Shou,” he manages to pant out, raising an arm to wipe a bead of sweat on his brow.

“You had a head start! It wasn’t fair, and you know it,” Hinata puffs out, “I’m gonna win next time, just watch it, Trashy-yama!”

They both freeze at the nickname, and Kageyama’s positive he’s redder than the stoplight from the distance, but he’s _delighted_  because there’s a next time — a next race, another afternoon jog with Hinata.

“Keep trying, Hinata,” Kageyama quips back, going as far to stick out his tongue at him. It’s childish and just about embarrassing, but Hinata’s laugh makes it worth it.

Kageyama changes his running route the moment he gets home, clocking in a mile more on his usual jogging count. Atsumu asks him why he’s smiling weirdly, face all bunched up around his grin, and all he can do is laugh back at his question.

He gets a little more excited for his afternoon jogs — always looking forward to that one street corner, stretching his knees a little whenever he arrives earlier than Hinata, and sprints the moment he sees orange hair bouncing in front of him.

Racing to morning practice has nothing on this, he thinks, not when the sunset frames Hinata’s face a bit too nicely whenever he looks back at Kageyama.

This time, he doesn’t take sprinting to wherever with Hinata for granted.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_“Ha! This is my win now! Hinata, five wins, four losses. What’s yours, Kageyama?”_

 

_“That’s not fair I reached the door firs—“_

 

_“Yeah, but I went inside before you, so I got here first!”_

 

_“I’m going to win next time, Shouyou, you better watch out for your losses.”_

 

_“Sure sure! Buy me a strawberry popsicle as my prize, will ya?”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shouyou doesn’t really realize how _in deep_ he was with Kageyama, not until Kuroo brings it up during their monthly get-together sleepovers. The four of them are all huddled together in Kenma’s apartment, Lev sprawled out on Kuroo’s legs and there are literally limbs everywhere that Hinata doesn’t even bother separating who from who.

“Hey, Shou, did you meet someone lately?” Kuroo asks in the middle of their Black Mirror marathon, Lev lowering the volume of the TV in front.

“Huh? Whaddya mean?” Hinata munches on his chips, eyes trained on the episode.

“You’ve been smiling more, for one.” Kenma points out, pausing the show. Hinata stares at Kuroo blankly, until his face lights up in recognition.

“Oh! It’s nothing like that,” he explains bashfully, shovelling more chips into his mouth. Lev pulls the bag of chips from his grasp, looking at him pointedly.

Hinata sighs, resigned, “Fine, y’all too observant for your own good. Uh, I’ve been bumping into Kageyama recentl—”

Lev cuts him off with a shriek, eyes widening in excitement as Kuroo clamps a hand over his mouth to shut him up. Kenma urges him to continue, that traitorous friend.

“And uh, I see him literally everywhere? It’s nothing creepy or anything but ever since we talked in the store I just, he’s been around, you know? And we kinda jog together sometimes, during afternoons, but not all the time! Just occasionally, when we bump into each other, and sometimes we talk but it’s not like, everyday, you know,” Hinata babbles, and he can feel his cheeks warming up for every passing second. The silence from the three of them is making him nervous, incredibly so, and he’s wringing his fingers back and forth until Kuroo howls from laughter.

“Oh, man, you’re still so fucking whipped! This is hilarious,” he manages to wheeze out while laughing, wiping a tear away dramatically.

Kenma shakes his head at Kuroo, looking sympathetically at Hinata.

“Don’t mind Kuroo, he’s being a dick,” Kenma pauses, ”But he’s right, and you’re literally so red you might as well shout you’re still in love with him.”

“Go get your man, Shou, tap that!” Lev says, stifling a laugh but ends up snickering with Kuroo

Hinata wants to rip his hair out, because _this_ was not what he wanted. All he wanted was to be friends again! Really, just friends.

Ever since they bumped into each other at the supermarket, the three of them had been bugging Hinata to man up and talk to Kageyama again. _Like it’s that easy to slide into his dms._

To be fair, he wanted to reach out and maybe strike a conversation or two. But Hinata figures destiny or fate or some deity really just works magic with his pathetic love life, because he’s been seeing Kageyama even without his conscious effort. _Nice one, Karma!_

He wants to be part of Kageyama’s life again, honestly, but being whipped and in love with him kinda makes _friendship_ harder than that. If he was more honest with himself, maybe he could’ve admitted that what he wants is more than just _friendship_ but he keeps that inside his mind, buried deep along with his darkest secrets.

Hinata is, perhaps, helplessly in love.

“What am I gonna do,” he lets out, pathetically, and glares at the three of them when they only laugh at him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sometimes, Hinata regrets taking up philosophy as his minor. 

He likes the subject, actually — his prof is a brilliant lecturer, his classmates equally good and smart, and he really does enjoy the lessons — but his eloquence and patience can only go on for so _long_. His professor, although kinder than his other advisers, is ruthless with his assignments.

Absolutely _ruthless_.

To be fair, it’s hell week, and Hinata’s doing his best to catch up with his readings and group reports and presentations, and his philosophy paper is just the icing on the top. If he does say so himself, he’s pretty good with essays and can usually whip up a convincing one in a day or so — but his philo professor can easily rip apart a half-assed essay when he sees one.

It’s a good weekend, and Hinata been productive for most of the morning, easily finishing his physics probset and that one critical essay for his western lit subject. He should be taking a break, actually, but his empty philosophy paper is taunting him from where he’s sitting. Hinata sighs, cracks his knuckles, and gets to work.

 

_The paper’s not gonna finish itself, anyway — might as well start on it._

 

He spends most of the hours typing away at his laptop, barely stopping when Lev passes him a bowl of noodles. Hinata tries his best to finish as much as he can, before his creative drive flushes out into nothing. When the gears in his head stop turning and he’s churned out a few pages and a half, he places his laptop back on his desk. 

A quick look at the time tells him it’s just half past three. Hinata figures it’s a good time as any to take a break, and gets up to get some food from the kitchen. When he opens the fridge to nothing, he vaguely remembers the date, groaning when he realizes it’s his turn to buy groceries.

Hinata knocks on Lev’s door, popping his head inside to ask, “Hey, do you want anything from the store? I’m going to get groceries.”

“Oh! Get some toilet rolls, we’ve run out. Can you get some almonds too, the sweet ones?”

Hinata gives him a thumbs up, passing by his room to grab his wallet, slips on the first black jacket he sees and heads out to the supermarket.

When he thinks about it, he hasn’t seen Kageyama in a while. Trainings are longer now, with the upcoming matches and volleyball season, and his academics were piling up even more the past few weeks. Hinata supposes he could pass by the convenience store after getting the groceries, but more than that he wishes he had the guts to ask Kageyama for any contact details. _Kinda hard to meet up with someone without any contact information._

He hopes, maybe, Kageyama’s looking for him too. _God, it’s a cold afternoon._

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Goddamnit, why do they need to place the toilet rolls so up high? What the _hell_ ,” Hinata mutters under his breath, reaching up on his toes to grab the pack of toilet rolls on the high shelf. It’s stupid, really, because what kind of store places cheapest toilet rolls on the highest shelf? He rolls back the sleeves of his jacket, pushing it up his elbows.

 

_Why is this jacket so big, anyway?_

 

He’s tempted to just jump up and pull the pack down, or maybe get the more expensive one that he can actually reach, but he sees someone else reach for the rolls easily, passing it to him. 

“Thank you so much!” Hinata bows, a bit relieved — he wasn’t looking forward to making a fool out of himself jumping up to get those toilet rolls, thank you very much. When he looks up to face the stranger, he’s surprised to find Kageyama in front of him, placing his own pack of tissues in his cart.

“Shouyou.”

Hinata freezes in his place, because Kageyama whispers his name like a _fucking_ prayer, and it takes every ounce of willpower in his veins not to rush over to him. He settles for a proper and casual greeting, like the decent person he is. _Yeah, right._

“Hey, Tobio!” He even adds in a wave and a bright smile. A man has to keep his image, alright?

Kageyama looks taken aback for a second, and Hinata wonders if he said something wrong, but his eyes relax easily.

“We just keep bumping into each other in stores, huh,” Hinata continues jokingly. He smiles when Kageyama laughs along, gesturing a little with his agreement.

“I haven’t seen you in awhile,” he starts, and Hinata knows Kageyama’s referring to their afternoon jogging rituals. It’s become routine for the two of them — just a few days short of a new habit.

“Oh, it’s been really hectic recently, we’re preparing for a match soon and my profs are relentless, honestly, they’ve been giving out essays and probsets like there’s no tomorrow,” Hinata explains, leaning on his cart. Kageyama nods at him understandingly, gives him the barest hint of a smile, and leaves it at that.

 

_Well, isn’t this awkward gay staring._

 

Shouyou turns to leave when he sees Tobio’s cheeks flush — from embarrassment or the cold, he doesn’t know — waving goodbye when he wheels his cart in the opposite direction.

“Wait! Hinata,” Kageyama calls out, and he stops to look back at him, “Is that my jacket?”

“Huh?” When Hinata peers at his clothes, he realizes his hands are positively dwarfed in the long, dark sleeves of the jacket. He’s practically swimming in jacket, sleeves too long and collar pulled up high on his neck. It’s impossibly long too, almost reaching his thighs, and he’s so, so warm.

 _Oh god._ Hinata flushes red when he realizes he’s wearing Kageyama’s jacket, feeling the warmth rush to his cheeks, and he’s babbling when he turns around to face Tobio.

“I’m so sorry, oh _my god_ , I know, I _know_ , I can explain — uh, I can return it next week maybe, I’m so _so_ sorry” He rushes out, bowing and shuffling in his place, and Hinata doesn’t notice Tobio raise a hand stifle a laugh.

“I can explain, Kageyama, I swear um, _oh my god, I’m so sorry —_  I was supposed to return it to you before graduation but I was kinda, like, still hung over you and I missed you a lot,” Hinata’s still babbling, stumbling over his words, “So I kept it and forgot to return it, and no! _No I don’t wear it to sleep_ of course not, but it still reminds me of you if I try hard so I kind of forgot to give it back and I know we broke up months ago but I still fucking miss you and I don—”

“Hey, hey, it’s fine,” Kageyama cuts him off, voice warm and easy and _soft_ and Hinata doesn’t know when Tobio approached him that fast, but when he looks up Kageyama’s right in front of him. He’s close enough to touch, and from where Hinata is he can smell the _same_ detergent from the summer of sophomore year.

Hinata quiets, staring at his shoes and he swallows a lump in his throat when he sees another pair of shoes in front of his. Kageyama’s impossibly close, and _god,_ Hinata can smell afternoons walking home together after practice, buying cola popsicle sticks and sitting by the broken vending machine.

He’s so, so, so _overwhelmed,_ because Tobio’s so fucking close and he doesn’t know what to do. He stays rooted in place, his heels grounding hard into the floor and Hinata’s positive his knees are trembling.

“It fits you, you know?” Kageyama whispers, catching him by the shoulders when Hinata’s knees buckle. He can feel tears welling up in his eyes and he blinks them back, willing them away with sheer force. Hinata can only choke out a pathetic laugh, curling his fist into his chest. Kageyama’s hands are still so light, soft on his shoulders.

 

_God, he missed this, so, so, so much._

 

“It looks nice on you,” Tobio continues, and Hinata shuts his eyes close because _he doesn’t want to hear all this_. He doesn’t want to get disappointed, doesn’t want to end up with more reasons to cry about. _Enough is enough._  

“I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t make things too awkward with us,” Hinata forces out, pushing away at Kageyama’s arms. They don’t budge. If anything, Kageyama pulls him closer, tightens his arms around him like a hug and Hinata feels like _coming home_.

Tobio doesn’t say anything, just keeps Hinata close to him. He can feel Kageyama breathing through his hair, and he just wants to wrap his arms around Tobio’s waist but he’s _confused_ and doesn’t want to get hurt.

“If anything, I missed you too,” Kageyama starts, so soft that Hinata barely catches it, “And I regret it. Everything I said, not working things out, not _trying_ even when you wanted to. I missed you so much and I just wanted — want — you back and I was dumb, stupi—”

Kageyama cuts himself off, breathing deeply into Hinata’s hair and Hinata can taste the tears on his cheeks already, because he feels so, so, so warm and loved and he _missed_ this so much.

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really, sorry. I wish I could’ve said this when we graduated, before graduation, but I didn’t and I’m so, so, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Hinata mutters out, muffled into Kageyama’s shirt but it’s not okay, they both know _this_ , and this time — Hinata wraps his own arms around Kageyama, hugging him back.

They look stupid, probably, hugging alone in a grocery store.

Kageyama untangles his hands from Hinata’s shoulders, pressing them into Hinata’s face and now all Hinata can see is blue, blue, _blue,_ deep and clear and everything he fell in love with.

Hinata wants to _cry._ Tobio’s eyes are beautiful, even when it’s rimmed with red and puffy with tears, he’s so, so beautiful that Hinata falls even deeper.

Kageyama presses his lips on the crown of Hinata’s head, and Hinata can feel him whispering words.

“You’re so different now, Shou,” Hinata catches traces of a smile on his forehead, “And I barely know you, but I still love you, still possibly in love, and I’m overwhelmed right now.”

Kageyama lays down the truth in front of Hinata, raw and honest and everything in between — Hinata only manages to nod, clenching his fists tighter around Kageyama’s waist.

“I love you, Shou, and I want to fall in love with you all over again,” It’s ridiculously romantic, and Hinata wants to laugh because that’s something he never dreamed Kageyama would tell him, not in the middle of toilet rolls and bathroom cleaning supplies.

“Okay,” he whispers, eloquent as ever, but Kageyama _knows_ what he means and when he inhales, he breathes in _Kageyama_ — it’s home, a bit new and different but it’s still home. Hinata relishes in it, basks in the warmth for a few minutes, tears staining the front of Kageyama’s shirt.

“Hey, Hinata,” Kageyama says, after a while, arms still wrapped around his shoulders, “Are you crying?”

“Yeah,” Hinata sniffles, pressing his forehead into Kageyama’s collarbones, “because it’s you.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Yes, it does!”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“It’s a literature major thing, Yama.”

“Shut up, Shou, I know it’s just some song lyrics.”

“Stop calling me out!”

 

When Hinata returns to his apartment, his jacket smells a lot like home.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> title is from seventeen's "smile flower"


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